First Lady Michelle Obama

The First Lady is far from the ideal CelebriGum subject, as I learned the last time she visited the Late Show.  The Secret Service takes a dim view of people lurking at windows holding metallic objects.  Motioned away from the gum window by a no-nonsense agent in March, I had to resort to this pathetic simulation.

I seemed to have no better luck this time.  Tight security, stay away from the window, no photos, failure.  But as I was about to leave for the day, my phone rang.  

"Hello?"

"Steve Young?"

"Yes, who's calling?"

"How ya doin', this is Jim from the National Security Agency.  Look, the President and Mrs. Obama are big CelebriGum fans, and they wanted you to have a Michelle Obama gum picture.  So at the President's request, we tasked one of our reconnaissance satellites to pass over 53rd Street as the First Lady was arriving.  I'll email you the photo."

"Wow, great!  You can send it to celebrigum-at--"

"Oh, we know the email address.  We're the National Security Agency, for crissakes."

"Of course.  I'm standing by for your email, Jim."

"Jim isn't really my name.  My actual name's classified.  It rhymes with "Beff"."

"Jeff?"

"If I even told you whether you're hot or cold, we'd both go to prison for a long time."

  

"Right.  Just send me the photo."

So, here are your tax dollars at work:

Okay, apparently it's not one of the NSA's most cutting edge high-resolution satellites, but I appreciate the gesture.  

Thank you, Mr. President and Michelle, and thank you, "Jim," for helping bring CelebriGum's Gimmick Month to a dramatic, low-rent "Bourne" movie close.

Olivia Munn

Hey, Gumheads!  It's time to play a delightful Gimmick Month game, Find the Cute Or Creepy Detail!

Here are two photos of actress, comedian, model, television personality, and author Olivia Munn.  I noticed a cute or creepy detail somewhere in each.  Can you spot them?

Photo 1

Photo 2

In photo 1, the cute detail was this girl trying to get a good view of Olivia through the paparazzi.  Maybe you were able to find this one.

Photo 2 is tougher.  You need serious magnification to make out the creepy detail: this elderly woman hoping to get her sexy photo of Olivia autographed.

See anything else cute or creepy?  Share your findings with the CelebriGum community!  And be sure to patronize photo 1's Cosmopolitan Linen Supply!

Tracy Morgan

Fellow citizens, during this divisive election season, let's take a moment to remember the values we all share and the ideals we hold in common.  Let's join together in gazing upon this patriotic scene and reciting the Gimmick Month Pledge of Allegiance:

I pledge allegiance to the shirt

Of this popular entertainer of America.

And to the gray blob under which he stands,

One nation under gum, undislodgeable, 

With levity and nonsense for all.

(Note to history buffs: the Pledge did not originally include "under gum."  The phrase was officially added in 1954.)

And since it's still Gimmick Month, I'll offer this photo as further proof of the deep, meaningful connection between the gum and Old Glory.

I'm either going to be in the next Whitney Biennial or sent to Gitmo.

Pink-Off

It's a Gimmick Month showdown between two stylish pink-wearing ladies!

Kathy Griffin dazzles in her bright pink dress.  But does she have enough pink power to knock off the reigning queen of CelebriGum pinkness, Kelly Ripa?

It's certainly very close.  Both follow through with matching shoes.  The shades of pink aren't the same, but they're both vibrant, and…

Hold on, I'm being told there's a late entrant.

Oh right.  As I recall, that was during Fashion Week.

Sorry, ladies, I have to give it to the gum.  The striking contrast between the pink and the soot really puts it over the top.

Rom Com

"Rom Com"?  What kind of Gimmick Month foolery is this?

Here's my tortured reasoning:  I have two celebrities whose last names begin with the letters R-o-m.  "Rom com" means romantic comedy, and while there may not be romance, I have R-o-m examples, and possibly comedy.

Sports radio talk show host Jim Rome.  No comedy yet...

Actor/comedian Ray Romano.  He's a funny guy, but still no comedy. 

Here's a possible solution: I'll add this bonus Ray Romano photo taken by my co-worker Justin Stangel... 

…along with this photo of Justin which he took himself with the CelebriGum camera when I wasn't looking.  There's a bit of comedy, but we could always use more.

Let me just check my old files and see if I have any other R-o-m celebrities…

Oh, right, I have some guy named Romney.

No comedy there at all.

I think what that photo needs is some Justin.

We seem to have shot past comedy and entered nightmarish hallucination.

Denis Leary and the CelebriGum Poetry Slam

It's the first-ever CelebriGum Poetry Slam!  Here's the photo of Denis Leary that served as a jumping off point, followed by the poems it inspired.

gray weathered decayed 

old gum on the ledge awaits

posing yet unseen

--Bonnie Greenberg

Denis Leary & a lump of gum.

One a comic and the other mum.

An Irish gent walks the street

While the gum remains so discreet.

                       --Catherine Huggins

Exited the star of Rescue Me I said,

While on brick of red viewed by gum that's dead.

The entrance classy, and light a glow,

Too bad the cops told his Lincoln was towed.

--Denis Prior

Who are you, Denis Leary?

A dapper dancer from Stomp?

An Irish gigolo?

A firefighter?

Who are you, Denis Leary?

A chauffeur with a Lincoln Navigator?

A ginger streetwalker on 53rd Street?

A hockey player?

Who are you Denis Leary?

A chain smoking, edgy, comedian?

A maitre'd at (insert newest trendy NYC restaurant)?

A doctor?

Who are you Denis Leary?

The world awaits an answer.

                        --Tracy Austin

Denis Leary & Gum

Denis Leary walks to the Late Show

In the only way he know...

s.

A former writing teacher

Never a preacher

But often wears sneaker...

s.

The gum sits on the window sill

Doing what it does to pay the bill...

s.

Together they make

The internet cake

That is celebrigum.com great...

s.

Sorry the ending suck...

s.  

                           --David Kazmierski

The rarified air of CelebriGum 

Sometime includes the view of a bum

The solidified stature that is held in place

Makes it ever so difficult to avert said face

Whoa it be for that once loved treat

The constant parade of famous deadbeat

Would make lesser icons sad and weary

Taxing the limit is chewed Denis Leary.

Not that there is anything wrong with Mr Leary

He is but a victim of boredom and dreary.

                       --Kath Creel

old gum on a ledge

contemplating suicide

"rescue me, leary!"

a blur on a ledge

denis leary chewing gum

is this anything?

                       --Cheryl Levenbrown

Denis Leary is grabbing his abdomen,

perhaps he has a stone,

or swallowed some filthy old gum,

that's hardened like a bone.

                         --Jason White

Rescue Me -- A Ghazal


Reflections of power make ghosts stand still
The headless beast in the street cannot cry, ‘Rescue Me.’

A man holds his waist, his jacket a cape
Hair ablaze in the shade, he whispers, ‘Rescue Me.’

The chew cannot move, its hardened frame still
On the edge of a ledge it hums, ‘Rescue Me.’

An actor, a fake; no poetry can save
One foot in the fame, credits roll, 'Rescue Me.’

A wad of perfect waste no god could remove
Divine is its prayer, incomplete, ‘Rescue Me.’

                           --Shannon Mariama Houston

Well-meaning Denis Leary.
Not knowing what is near, he
Saunters to his SUV.
Above, the old gum weary,
Too dried up to be teary,
Cries in silence "Rescue me!"

                      --CelebriGum

Eugene Levy

This photo of comic actor Eugene Levy is perfectly okay -- there's the gum, there's the celebrity -- but during Gimmick Month, things need to go in an unexpected direction.

Perhaps cheap special effects from photo editing software can help.

"Oil Painting"

"Sketch"

"Mosaic"

"Fisheye"

"Emboss"

"Splash"

"Fiddling with Hue and Saturation"

Well, that was fun.  Amazing how -- oh, excuse me, my phone's ringing.

******************

Oh my God.  Based on that last photo, director James Cameron just called to offer me a very lucrative job doing special effects for the "Avatar" sequels.  

This could bode well for my career, and badly for the "Avatar" sequels.

Olympic Gold Medalists

Here's something we've never seen on CelebriGum before: athletes wearing Olympic gold medals.  From Team USA's "Fierce Five":

Aly Raisman, with McKayla Maroney (in the black dress) partly visible.

Left to right: Jordyn Weiber, Gabby Douglas, and Kyla Ross.

Way to go, Team USA!

Actual Olympic gold medalists juxtaposed with the gum really should be enough, even for Gimmick Month.  But when it comes to gimmicks, CelebriGum always goes the extra mile:

The Gum Vault!

"I won the brownish-gray!"

Well, maybe not the extra mile.  The extra yard.  Or meter, since that's what they seem to prefer at the Olympics.

Okay, centimeter.

Beth Behrs

From "Two Broke Girls," here's the lovely Beth Behrs.

                        

Hmm.  That's fine, but this month is Gimmick Month, and this photo doesn't seem quite enough, even with the evocative finger gesture to Handtruck Guy up the street.

Gotta figure out something… some kind of gimmick…  ah.

Here's the right photo to put with Beth Behrs.

Behrs --  Bears -- they're homophones!  

Calm down, Chick-fil-A.  Nobody's advocating gay phone sex with bears.

Lots of Scotts

I've promised you "lots" of Scotts.  I know I can provide at least two.  Maybe three, if we're lucky.

From "Parks and Recreation," Adam Scott!

From ESPN, Scott Van Pelt!

So far we've got a first name Scott and a last name Scott.  What would really put this Gimmick Month entry over the top would be a middle name Scott.

Let me fire up the CelebriGum Reality Changer, a gadget of my own invention which, in theory, temporarily rearranges time and space to snap a gum photo of a hard-to-get celebrity… I'm typing in a name… the fabric of the universe is being rewoven… here comes the photo…

Ladies and gentlemen, the late author F. Scott Fitzgerald!

Crap.  So close.

Several Jasons

Gimmick Month continues with another multi-celebrity entry!

 Actor and comedian Jason Sudeikis.

 Country music star Jason Aldean.

Television and film actor Jason Segel.

Notorious killer Jason Voorhees.

EDITOR'S NOTE: During production, the captions of the Jason Segel and Jason Voorhees photos were inadvertently switched.  CelebriGum apologizes to Mr. Segel and his family.  And to Mr. Voorhees and his family.

Two Walkers plus Bonus

Benjamin Walker, star of the recent film "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter."

Comedian Jimmie "J.J." Walker, "The Dyn-o-mite Kid."

And since we're talking about Dyn-o-mite, your Gimmick Month Bonus is:

Alfred Nobel, "The Dyn-o-mite Inventor Who Became Remorseful About The Military Uses Of His Products And Posthumously Established The Nobel Prizes."

Two Williamses, and a non-Williams

Presenting the first CelebriGum father/daughter combo!

 From HBO's Emmy-nominated "Girls," Allison Williams.

 Allison's father, Brian Williams.

"Hey, isn't that the funny guy from "30 Rock" and all those late night shows?"

"Yeah.  He also does the CBS Evening News."

"No, he's on NBC.  You're thinking of Scott Pelley."

"Who?"

"You know, this guy."

"Oh, right.  But where are we in that picture?"

"We're not in that picture.  That was a different day."

"Oh.  By the way, in the Brian Williams photos with the couple, am I the guy or the girl?"

"I don't know.  It's never been established which of us is saying which lines."

"At this stage of my life I didn't really expect to be confused about my gender."

"Me neither.  But that's the way things go during Gimmick Month at CelebriGum."

Johnson & Johnson (& Johnson)

"As President Andrew Johnson once said: you can never have too many Johnsons."  

--President Lyndon Johnson, 1968, as he awarded the Presidential Medal of Johnson Freedom to Arte Johnson and Don Johnson 

In that spirit, here are some Johnsons with gum.

Mr. 2012 Olympics, the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson

Detroit Lions wide receiver and "Madden '13" cover athlete Calvin Johnson

Bonus Johnson!  Magic Johnson, former basketball legend and current High Excellency of the Secret Worldwide Order of Johnsons.

Oops, I was not supposed to reveal that.  If I meet a mysterious "accidental" death, please look closely at the alibis of actor Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Olympic gold medal winning gymnast Shawn Johnson.

p.s.: Today, August 4th, is a special day for celebrigum.com.

As a Leo, CelebriGum is ambitious, creative, enthusiastic, dignified, a natural leader, and has a flair for the dramatic.  Unfortunately, CelebriGum can also be autocratic and overbearing.

O-l-y-???

August is Gimmick Month at CelebriGum!  I mean, in addition to the basic gimmick of photographing hundreds of celebrities with the same piece of old gum.

Let's kick things off with the letters O-l-y.  There are two ways to go here.  

First, it's Timothy Olyphant, star of FX's "Justified"!

And of course, O-l-y also points us towards the London Olympic Games.

Women's Beach Volleygum!  USA!  USA!