Robert Downey Jr.

Let us greet the new year with the possibly genuine enthusiasm of Robert Downey Jr. greeting the paparazzi!

Happy 2012 from CelebriGum!

Sports Guys!

I'm a minimal sports fan.  Once in a while I watch a baseball game.  And I watch the Super Bowl because, well, I'm not a damn Commie.

I've let some guys from the world of sports build up in my inventory, and now it's time to punt them downfield or pick and roll them or whatever the hell happens in a sportball match.

 St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa

Heisman Trophy winner Robert Griffin III

NFL Network personality Rich Eisen

Yes!  Looks like CelebriGum just putted a three-pointer!

Scarlett Johansson

So glad I got a nice picture of ScarJo for CelGuh.

Wow, those contractions sure do save a lot of time and effort.

I mean, timeff.

Merry Christmas from CelebriGum

"…and, lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went before them, til it came and stood over where the young child was."

Merry Christmas from CelebriGum, the three wise men, a large crowd of other people, and quite a few camels!

Maybe Hanukkah is more your speed?  Check out this equally inspiring religious image from last year.

Next time, back to the usual nonsense.

Anthony Bourdain

Over the past sixteen months, I've been straight with you about problematic photos and celebrities who are impossible to identify.  I think I've earned your trust.

So you'll have to trust me when I say this is Anthony Bourdain.

You almost have to trust me that the gum is there, but not quite.  It's dimly visible in the lower left.  

Now I have to trust you to decide whether this photo is hauntingly artistic or a pathetic mess.

Next time: the very special Christmas Edition of CelebriGum.  Many phrases might describe that entry, but "hauntingly artistic" isn't one of them.

Jessica Biel

Being a beautiful celebrity's umbrella guy can be grueling work.  But there are perks, such as "providing guidance."

CelebriGum Gallery Show Update!


A selection of photos from the show and party, taken by Robert Caplin for the New York Times, can be seen here.

Ben Stiller

Well, this sucks.  Ben Stiller, in the guise of a movie star arriving at the Late Show to promote his film…

…entered the building unchallenged and stole $20 million from CelebriGum!

This entry has been brought to you by the National Irony Council, in conjunction with Americans For Jokes That Are Six Weeks Late.

Gayle King

To all the conspiracy theorists who claim that Gayle King and Late Show stagehand Tommy O'Brien are mysteriously never seen at the same time, I present this photo:

Now they'll just say it's a Tommy O'Brien double on the upper left, sent by the sinister cabal that tries to conceal the fact that Gayle and Tommy are the same person.  Or microscopic examination shows that I doctored the photo.  No amount of proof can satisfy these "CelebriTruther" crackpots. 

The CelebriGum Gallery Show

A few months ago Dave Letterman began to talk about arranging a CelebriGum gallery show.  Tonight, thanks to Dave's support and generosity, that vision has been realized.  

This year's Late Show holiday party for the staff and crew is at a Chelsea art gallery.  Dave has arranged for excellent food and drink, live music, and enlargements of over fifty of my favorite photos, professionally framed and mounted.

The wonderful poster that's been up around the Late Show offices is by graphic artist Garth Beams.

Although the show is just one night and not open to the public, I hope to post photos of the event soon.

Wow.  Thanks, Dave.

People Who Pretend To Be Vampires

Two stars of the "Twilight" movies:

Robert Pattinson, who plays Edward Cullen (seen here with his sidewalk locator)

Nikki Reed, who plays Rosalie Hale

They're just human actors, of course.  And yet, there's something odd about them.  At night, they both display astounding abilities:

 Robert is blessed with the power of triple exposure.

And Nikki does an eerily accurate impression of Annie Leibovitz.

I just pray they use their powers for good, or at least so-so.

Coming up next time: a CelebriGum event that will change what you think you know about CelebriGum and/or events.

Adam Sandler

What happens when a successful entertainer…

...has to spend the holidays with…

...his twin brother, who even dresses exactly like him?

Things actually work out fine, with no dramatic or comedic incidents to speak of!

CelebriGum Films presents "Jack and Jack."  In theaters Christmas Day.  Some material may not be appropriate for filmgoers. 

Melissa McCarthy

Damn.  I was hoping to sell this photo, but I just received the following letter:

Dear Mr. Young,

Thank you for your submission.  Unfortunately, we are unable to accept your photo for publication in Plaid Vest Enthusiast magazine.

Our photo editor noted that your submission contained extraneous elements such as old gum and a popular television and film star, which distracted from the plaid vest.  Most troubling was the fact that the plaid vest is slightly blurry.

Plaid Vest Enthusiast is proud to offer its readers the finest in professional and amateur plaid vest photography as well as industry news, reviews, opinion pieces, erotic fiction, and personal ads.  We hope you will continue to work on your craft and perhaps submit to Plaid Vest Enthusiast again in the future.

Sincerely,

The Editors

Plaid Vest Enthusiast magazine

A publication of Patterned Sleeveless Garment Communications Group, Inc.

Jonah Hill, again!

Does it seem like Jonah Hill has been on the Late Show, and CelebriGum, a lot lately?  Here's another Jonah Hill limerick, keeping with the tradition started by the November 29th entry.

     Jonah tells stories so piquant

     It's nice he can come back so frequent.

     But could we book others?

     Like perhaps Sally Struthers?

     The answer: no, apparently we quant.

A dodgy limerick every time Jonah Hill shows up!  That's CelebriGum's promise/threat to you!

Whitney Cummings

CelebriGum, in conjunction with the American Optometric Association, is pleased to present this complimentary vision test featuring Whitney Cummings, co-creator and executive producer of "Two Broke Girls" as well as creator, executive producer, and star of "Whitney".   

Tell me which is clearer:

 This…

… or this?

Again, this...

... or this?

Hmm, looks like your prescription has changed a little.    

Now, to finish up, we'll just do the glaucoma test.  I know you hate this part; everyone does.  Put your eye up close to the screen and I'll shoot the puff of air at it.  It may take a moment or two, but don't worry, nothing's wrong.  Just keep your eye up close to the screen.  It's important for your health.  Put your eye right up against the screen and don't move for a long time. 

Remember, you'll ruin the test if you don't remain motionless for a very long time.  Thanks.

Eddie Murphy

CAUTION: In order to understand the following "joke," some familiarity with early 1980's pop culture is required.

Ready?

"I'm CelebriGumby, dammit!"

Start Googling, kids.  You'll figure it out.

Katie Holmes

Well, this was disappointing:

To: Steve Young, CEO, CelebriGum Inc., Penthouse Suite, 1 CelebriGum Plaza, New York NY 10019 USA

From: Angela Merkel, Chancellor, the Bundestag, Berlin, Federal Republic of Germany

30 November 2011

Dear Herr Young,

It is with great regret that I confess I have not been able to write a humorous commentary for your photograph of Katie Holmes with the gum.  

When I agreed to be a guest commentator some time ago, I did not anticipate that an unprecedented financial crisis would soon be afflicting the Euro zone.  I have been extremely busy dealing with that bullshit, if you'll pardon my French.

I apologize for letting you and the CelebriGum community down, and I hope that when order is restored to Europe's financial system, you will consider giving me another chance.  In the meantime, Berlusconi's free; you might try him if you're looking for something smutty.  

I wish you continued success with CelebriGum and I look forward to seeing you again at the next G8 Summit.

Best,

Angela

Jonah Hill

Hmmm.... what haven't I tried yet?  How about a limerick!

     Toward his SUV sauntered young Jonah

     While high overhead, unbeknownah

     Perched on the ledge

     Just an inch from the edge

     Was old gum, long since turned to stonah.

Yes!  Crushed it!  

Amy Sedaris

Always a treat to have the irrepressible Amy visit the Late Show.  So few celebrities wear outfits that can successfully compete with the traffic cones. 

CelebriGum Presents Black Friday Door-Busters!

How much would you expect to spend to look at pictures of "Late Late Show" host Craig Ferguson with old gum?  $899?  $599?  Would you believe just $299??  

  

Get your post-Thanksgiving CelebriGum viewing done now at a fraction of the cost, from the convenience of your computer!  No parking hassles, no trampling, no stinging jellyfish or packs of feral dogs!

We reserve the right to limit quantities, and quality, of photos.  Discounted price reflects vain hope that some kind of transaction will take place.  Fine print blah blah blah etc etc*.  These pictures had been hanging around for months; needed some flimsy pretext to move them out.  


*Just wanted to see how small I can make the fine print.

Steve Martin

The multi-talented Steve Martin is a true gentleman.

Unlike so many of today's uncouth celebrities, Mr. Martin understands that a hat is to be carried, never worn.

God bless you, Steve Martin, for standing fast against the rising tide of sartorial ignorance.  

Annie Leibovitz

Well, isn't this meta.  I took a CelebriGum photo of a famous photographer of celebrities, and I captured her at the instant another photographer was taking her picture.

CelebriGum stands, or perhaps crouches, on the shoulders of giants like Ms. Leibovitz.  I may have come up with the gum part, but she was way ahead of me with the celebri-.

Republican Presidential Candidates

After deep thought and careful consideration of the issues, CelebriGum is prepared to make an important announcement.

 Herman Cain

Rick Perry

Of the two candidates, CelebriGum endorses Governor Perry.  Rick Perry demonstrates the leadership qualities America needs:

--He arrives at a time of day when there's plenty of natural light.

--He more or less faces the camera.

--He's not in the pocket of Big Hat.

God bless America, and may the most gum-photogenic candidate win.

Rachel Maddow

Some 15 months after the site was launched, we're starting to see celebrities making their third CelebriGum appearance.  This is Rachel Maddow's third time with the gum.  Her other visits are here and here.

While CelebriGum is always excited to welcome new celebrities, we're also thrilled to have repeat visitors.  That's why we're pleased to announce the CelebriGum Celebrity Loyalty Program: 

10 CelebriGum appearances: a free stick of gum of your choice!

25 CelebriGum appearances: Backstage CelebriGum meet & greet, including a photo at the window with the gum!

100 CelebriGum appearances: if years from now I'm actually photographing the same celebrity with the gum for the 100th time, it'll be time to shut this whole thing down.  You can pry the gum off the ledge and chew it!  I'll have an ambulance standing by!

97 more visits to go, Ms. Maddow!    

CelebriGum Fans Write The Johnny Depp Entry!

In response to one of the lower-priority demands of the "Occupy Wall Street" movement, I'm throwing CelebriGum open to the 99% who aren't in charge of a gum-related celebrity website.  Let's see what they've come up with.

Depp arrives at The Late Show to promote his new film, The Gum Diary.  (Marilyn Sargent)

Rocks. There be rocks. And gum.   (Brian Howle)

(editor's note: this may be a "Pirates of the Caribbean" reference, but I'm not sure. In any case, it's delightful.)

"My wristbands deflect bullets, just like Wonder Woman!"   (Mark Leckner)

"As I said earlier, only people with a hat that is a similar shape to mine may take my picture."  (Lenny Boudreau)

I got nothin'.   (Steve Christian) 

Johnny Depp, I think that’s how you spell it, is a man of great talent. What can be said about the man that hasn’t been said already?

--He was born without toe nails, I’m sure that hasn’t been said before.

--I’ve heard he’s never eaten a Big Mac while riding on a roller coaster, but I doubt that because everyone has done that at least twice. 

--He’s never paid sticker for a used car. That’s smart; don’t want to be a sucker.

--There’s a foul smell coming from his house in Idaho, but that’s because he left a carton of soy milk on the kitchen table and hasn’t been back to the house in ten years.

--He’s been in over two films!

--He once was kicked off a United Airlines flight from Chicago because he was talking aloud during the in flight movie.

--Johnny Depp was the first Batman.

--He has a full body tattoo of a much younger version of himself.

--He had one of his ribs removed so he had a good place to put his phone.

That’s all the “things nobody has ever said about Johnny Depp”.   (David Kazmierski)

"Due to my back injury I must wear this belt outside my jacket.  I cannot bend, please drive to the hotel. I'll stand here and hang onto the roof."   (Mark Leckner)

Kudos to all the talented CelebriGum fans who contributed!  Johnny and I, or just I, thank you.

Salma Hayek

In honor of the fabulous Salma Hayek, CelebriGum invites you to learn some useful Spanish phrases, courtesy of Google Translate!

crowd of paparazzi = multitud de paparazzi

knocked-over traffic cone = golpeado-más de cono de tráfico

glamorous actress = actriz glamorosa

filthy old gum = goma vieja sucia

nothing is too pointless for the internet = nada es demasiado inútil para el internet

a minute of your life you'll never get back = un minute de su vida que nuncio podremos recuperar

and yet, strangely appealing = y, sin embargo, extrañamente atractiva

Ted Danson

CelebriGum is thrilled to welcome a very special guest commentator: Bill Wrigley, Jr., the chairman of the Wm. Wrigley Jr. Company, one of the world's top producers of chewing gum!

All right, Bill, let's see what you've got.

"Hah, there's Ted Danson from "Cheers Bar."  I liked that show.  He was very funny with that heavyset girl, what's her name, the skater, Kristi Yamaguchi.  Nice shot of the ledge gum, too.  Doublemint, obviously.  I gotta hand it to the boys in our Latex Department--they know what they're doing when it comes to long-term adhesion.  But would you look at all that gum on the sidewalk!  I'm seeing various Wrigley products, some Trident, a smattering of Dentyne, a couple pieces of Bazooka, even a Stimorol on the upper left.  Sure, I can tell them apart from here.  It's all about the slightly varying shades of gray and the subtle differences in flattened wad sizes.  See, I spent years overseeing our Gum Decay Lab.  Multi-million dollar facility.  We track how various brands degrade when exposed to harsh real-world conditions.  Did you know that even repeated lightning strikes don't significantly damage most kinds of sidewalk gum?  It's a little different for your sugar-free varieties, of course, since they've got a more acidic--"

Okay, Bill, we're out of time for today!  Thanks so much! 

Bill Clinton and Double

Always exciting to get a President.  As with Bill's visit last year, a timely heads-up to the Secret Service kept me from getting shot when I put my hand out the window.

These came out a little blurry.  Not sure why.  ISO set too low?  Republican camera?

To make amends, here's a sharper photo of a celebrity who, especially from this angle, looks Clinton-esque.  Ladies and gentlemen, CelebriGum Presidential double, Ted Danson.

Hail to the Cheers!

(I know Ted's now in "Bored To Death" and "CSI," but I couldn't think of any good lame puns for those.  Not that I tried very hard.)

Next: Ted Danson gets his own entry.

Ricky Gervais

I enjoyed having the extra hour on Sunday.  But the end of Daylight Saving Time is tough for CelebriGum.  Summertime, the photographin' was easy, but now I'll be struggling to take decent pictures in darkness.  These photos are from early August.

Goodbye, golden sunlight on the ledge!

Goodbye, golden sunlight on British comedians' scalps!

Would you like to write zingers like these?  Visit the CelebriGum Facebook page to learn how you can help create the upcoming Johnny Depp entry!  CelebriGum employees and family members, Johnny Depp not eligible.  Actually, Johnny, if you really want to enter, I'll let you.

  

Celebrities Under Umbrellas

It's been a rainy (and snowy) year.  According to the New York Times, we've gotten 71.06 inches of precipitation in the last 365 days, significantly above the average of 49.94 inches.

So that's why CelebriGum has a lot of photos of celebrities concealed to greater or lesser degrees under umbrellas.  If you don't like it, blame Global Moistening.

 Sarah Jessica Parker (who happened to be the very first CelebriGum celebrity)

 Michael Emerson (from "Lost," "Person Of Interest")

 Brian Williams (from "Jersey Shore")

Hugo Chavez & Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (during UN General Assembly week).  Cute umbrellas, guys!